notes on the house I never should have built

The foundation was a hard mix of digestive biscuits which bound together with quail eggs. What was I thinking? Building foundations are constructed with cement- have been for years!

Usually, doors are made of wood or modern synthetic materials, but I commissioned a chocolatier to confect a dark chocolate door. Looking back, it should have been obvious that chocolate would melt. (I guess my optimism that the sun would never appear again was ill-founded).

For the bricks I chose carefully carved sections of kebab meat. It was thoroughly cooked, grey in appearance and the fat afforded the surface a gloss finish which I thought set off the whole property quite nicely. What I didn’t foresee was the big murder of crows that pecked away at the walls. Then came the giant seagulls. What a fucking mess! The builders said they hadn’t worked with that material before and seemed surprised at my choice.  I think they should have urged me to work with more conventional materials. I mean, they’re the experts not me!

I saw the roof as being like the scalp of the house, so I used a broad array of wigs which I bought from a wig factory that had gone into liquidation. Short, curly, blonde spikey, black, wavy and beyond. I had all manner of hairstyle on display. Taking pride of place were two curly mullets used on an early episode of the A-Team. A point to remember: Airline pilots flying above thought there was a crowd of people standing on a roof about to jump off. So the emergency services were constantly appearing during construction.  Never saw that coming!

Electric wiring: I thought spaghetti conducted electricity. Let’s just say I was wrong.

There were several novel ideas about the plumbing. An avant-garde Italian architect talked me into using transparent pipes positioned on the exterior. This effectively meant that all waste material from the toilets was openly on display.

Boy, was that a mistake!

Also, note: building a house on land you don’t own (in this case a village cricket pitch) is illegal.

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